HONESTLY OK?

“On a different day if I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn’t feel lost and so frightened
But this is today and I’m lost in my own skin”

DIDO

I have been pondering thoughts about my personal growth journey. This song has felt like the mantra of my life, the melody and the lyric so deeply resonating about feeling safe, secure within my soul. The concept of being safe in my own skin is one I have yearned for — well for years now. I have chased it much like a dog chases its own tail. Have you ever watched a dog trying to do this? They move in circles, over and over, increasing their speed to no avail. I have yet to see a dog actually catch its own tail, and yet much like the dog, I have chased this sensation of safety. I have admired the perseverance of the dog — it keeps trying — and doesn’t give up. I have witnessed this within myself too — this grasping at the straws so to speak for this life I covet. The one I see in so many many people in my world. You know the people I am talking about, right? The ones whose glow seems to pervade the room they walk into? Their connection to themselves so strong. I am not suggesting that these people don’t have hardships, struggles, or flaws for that matter — but they handle their shit, with a level of acceptance and grace. That is what I have envied and moreover tried to emulate in my own life. This constant questioning that has plagued me for years — What do I need to do to feel safe in my own skin?

For those of you who know me — you will know that I have deep rooted, crazy wild fear of snakes. They have never been my friend, or I theirs. However, I am beginning to see an emergence of deep gratitude to these creatures. I was thinking about the process of when snakes shed their skin. Apparently, they do this between 4–12 times a year. They rarely go back to the same place where they have shed, and two of the primary reasons for this biological process —physcially they have outgrown their current skin and to rid themselves of the parasites that have attached themselves to their old skin. I mean — this is bloody ingenious no? Think about it for a moment. If we as humans could metaphorically rid ourselves of our skin and our parasites multiple times a year — what could that mean for our growth? I know the things that have held me back on my path are parasitic. Whether it’s my feelings of not wanting to forgive someone, a belief that no longer serves me, a pressure to be seen a certain way, a standard that I have set for myself to uphold, my ego, my pride — the list is endless. How great would it be to have the snake’s ability to shed these things?

A tape-worm is the largest parasite found in a human. It can grow up to 80 feet and live for 30 years if un-checked. This is the kind of parasite that we carry around — the one that continually haunts us. 30 years. I have carried parasites for probably longer than that. How many parasites are you carrying? How long have they lived in you? How much have you fed them? How have they grown and weighed you down? And most importantly if we have the awareness of them — why haven’t we shed our skin to rid ourselves of them? New ones finding their way into your soul as you walk through life’s journey. A parasite serves no higher purpose. It’s entire purpose for being is to benefit at the expense of its host who suffers!

For me — I think that I never learned as a child, through any formal education, how to let these parasites go. As an adult, I am constantly learning new skills, methods and tools that try to help me be rid of them. Therapy, TRE (trauma release exercises), Ayahausca, the artist’s way, micro-dosing — have all found a way into my toolbox. I am being given an opportunity by the universe to embrace this new version of myself, and shed the shit that no longer serves me — so why am I so incredibly resistant to it? My many parasites, of my own making need to be shed and perhaps the animal that I fear most in the world has come to show me the way. Shed 4–12 times a year or more — don’t look back, walk into your present unburdened and slither into our future — parasite free.

So, I guess I am no longer the dog chasing its tail. I have shed a lot that weighs on me and grown into a new skin that feels safe for today. Tomorrow — it will change, grow and morph into a different skin, with different parasites, and I will embrace the fact this this isn’t permanent and it’s on me to shed it. I will befriend my inner snake and learn from its true power — the ability to release the things that no longer serve it, alone, over a period of weeks, and slither my way into my new safe skin for now.